#39A: The essence of tough love can be grasped quickly by quoting Shakespeare,
who had Hamlet say "I
must be cruel to be kind." More
formally it can be defined as treating
someone you care about harshly in an effort to help them in the long
run. The treatment can involve compassionately forcing them to face the
consequences of their reckless actions and self-destructive behavior or
in general submit to some form of discipline.
For example, imagine your teenage son has taken something
belonging to a neighbor. After
you recover from the shock of discovering this, you consider why he did
this. You begin to suspect
that it was done—consciously or not—to get attention. You mentally
go over the amount of time you've been spending with him recently.
Many parents might feel they were at least somewhat at fault for
not giving the child the attention he needed, vow to correct that,
empathize with him for the tough time he's been going through, and
ignore or downplay the theft.
Consider possible consequences of this parenting decision.
1) The boy soon connects his parents' guilt feelings (over their
supposed failure) with his getting away with something.
In the future, he is able to use this, and related ways of
manipulating them, to similarly get what he wants.
2) The childish way of taking shortcuts and avoiding hard work is
reinforced. 3) He does not
learn to accept personal responsibility for his actions.
A tough love, rather than permissive, style of parenting would
make the boy face the consequences of his action.
He would be required to return the stolen item, apologize to the
neighbor, and either a) perform some service for the neighbor or
community, pay a fine, etc. or b) bring the incident to the attention of
the police and let consequences follow based on the decision of a
Tough love programs to help troubled teens, drug addicts, and
others began in the late 1950s. Based
on the belief that "punishment is therapeutic," they have
methods to change the offender's behavior: hard labor, military
boot camp discipline, wilderness survival experiences, harsh behavior
modification techniques, encounter groups (some involving relatives
ganging up or foul-mouthed abusive strangers), shame, humiliation, sleep
deprivation and beatings.
In the words of Maia Szalavitz—tough love program graduate and
investigative reporter documenting this industry's abuses—"the
very notion of making kids who are already suffering go through more
suffering is psychologically back-wards."
Tough love requires not only balancing "tough" and
"love," but also appreciating the difference between
discipline and punishment. The
former refers to treatment that brings someone under control or imposes
order upon them; the latter to retributive (meaning paying someone back)
treatment that involves suffering, pain or loss.
Discipline is designed to
correct, reform or rehabilitate, punishment to
penalize for wrongdoing. In
seeking to rectify a loved one's behavior, tough love requires providing
a positive discipline program: one that will not damage self esteem but
foster growing up by helping the young person learn to delay
gratification, engage in more critical
(less wishful) thinking, and have greater self control.
Tough love approaches are not limited to behavior modification
but apply to learning in general. Parents
have been known to throw infants into swimming pools to see if they'll
quickly learn to swim. Teachers
who use discovery learning have been accused of doing a similar thing.
Perhaps the ultimate learning by doing, learning from mistakes
& suffering consequences institution is the prestigious School of
#39B: The blows that life inflicts often produce anger.
It is human nature for an angry person to blame others for the
perceived (real or imagined) offense.
Blame involves making a judgment, serving notice that another is
being held accountable, and potentially seeking justice.
Sometimes there is no one around who deserves the blame—so some
person or group is selected to receive it: a scapegoat. (With apologies to Voltaire, if there is no one to blame,
it will be necessary to invent them.)
Scapegoating happens at all levels: from sport fans blaming a
particular player for their team's loss, to parents targeting an
unwanted child, to prejudiced individuals targeting someone whose looks,
race, or sexual orientation they don't like, to organized groups
committing hate crimes, to nation states targeting whole nations for
The definitions of these last two terms
have received much attention, some of it for legal purposes.
Genocide refers to the deliberate, systematic mass slaughter of an ethnic, political or
cultural group. Twentieth
century examples of genocide include the Nazi perpetrated slaughter of
Jews during World War II (known as the Holocaust, see Figure #39), and
slaughters in Armenia, Cambodia, and Rwanda.
Genocide is a crime under international law. A hate crime, according to the FBI, is "a criminal
offense committed against a person, property or society which is
motivated, in whole or in part, by the offender's bias against a race,
religion, disability, sexual orientation, ethnicity or national
Hate crimes and genocide show where anger, blame and prejudice
can lead. Not surprisingly,
anger—identified as one of the strongest emotions—is behind these
two of the worst evils humans inflict on other humans.
strong emotion —fear—also links them.
These crimes, unlike conventional ones, are often intended to
strike fear in, and intimidate, the targeted group.
Beyond doing that, by first dehumanizing, then murdering those
perceived as different, perpetrators of genocide aim to permanently wipe
out all traces of a culture.
Established in 1998, the members of the Task Force are committed to the Declaration of the Stockholm International Forum on the Holocaust. An excerpt from it appears here.
|The Holocaust...must be forever seared in our collective memory. The selfless sacrifices of those who defied the Nazis... must also be inscribed in our hearts. The depths of that horror, and the heights of their heroism, can be touchstones in our understand- ing of the human capacity for evil and for good. With humanity still scarred by genocide, ethnic cleansing, racism, anti-semitism and xenophobia, the international community shares a solemn responsi- bility to fight those evils. Together we must... ensure that future generations can understand the causes of the Holocaust...|
back to worldview theme(s) #39